Tsk.

It's been a loooooooong time

Actually salah juga sih masih bangun jam segini.. It's 01.22 by the way. Jam-jam galau anak muda masa kini. Kekinian banget nggak sih gue~

Tsk.

It's not that I feel so weak jadi mesti dikasihanin, no baby, I am not that weak. At least, I don't want to be seen so di depan orang. But.. Actually I am.

Nggak tau udah berapa lama since I was back to where I should be. Don't know why, time flies slower this time. I wanna be stronger but I can't be this time. I want to make everyone happy but I shouldn't this time. I wanna make everyone smile but I need my own smile.. This time.

I know, I have someone who can make me smile all the time, but actually I feel so wrong when I let him to endure the pain of my own fault with me. To suffer and hear my hurtful voices everytime I call when I need him the most. Buat ikut sakit ketika I know he doesn't deserve those pains at all. Ikut nanggung these hardships of living without someone who you love the most. I wanna be sorry, but I can't be. This time I can't be. He's willing to accompany me and showering me with loves and smiles.

Tsk.

It's just... I really need to be back. I wanna be back. I gotta be back. Like seriously.

Pity me.

Yes, I am. Aku paham who I am. I know a bunch of people wanna be me, no guys, we have our own lifes. Yes maybe mine seems so perfect, my study, my carrier, my perfect family, my amazing soon-to-be husband, wealth, apa lagi yang dibutuhin manusia? But guys, maybe you're luckier with your own. So.. Let everyone be what everyone should be.

Tsk.

I know that.. Sorry to be a burden, my lovesssss 👪👭👭💑

Daily Life~

I don't know why I really want to write something over and over again when there is no particular benefit for people to read these posts. Ah.. I know someone who gets the benefit the most of my writings.... My lovely soon-to-be-husband whom I love the most 😘

Okay, we're getting dizzy here, so I'm gonna use an Indonesian, so, my bf can understand it better (nggaktau kenapa, he always says dia itu ngerti, tapi lho..). Actually kaya pacar-pacar yang lain -dengan hubungan penuh resiko yang menyengsarakan kami, macem ldr-, pacar tercinta nggak ngasih aturan muluk muluk yang kaya, you need to sleep at blablabla or you need to wake up in the morning yang macem-macem kang sayur juga lagi siap-siap ke pasar, biar keliatan kalo pacarnya rajin. 

NO! My boyfriend is the most paham-able man in the world. Yang paham kalo aku itu kayanya susah untuk bangun pagi.. That isn't my fault really -_- insooooom itu kebiasaan yang jadi penyakit paling menyakitkan hati, apalagi yang kuliahnya mesti pagi-pagi buta barengan sama matahari terbit. Larangan kekasih tercinta is.. Pulang dengan waktu yang tau diri. Hfff

And I know dengan kesibukanku yang kaya gini, hal itu pasti mustahil.

Oks, Maybe it's really hard for me to get him understand what I really intend to do karna emang aku sering nggak konsisten sama whatever my first decision is. Alesannya? Klasik.. Kita mesti ngikutin keadaan, bukan keadaan yang ngikutin kita, right? Tapi It's really hard buat ngomong langsung secara gamblang apa, kenapa, gimana, dkk. Sulitttttt :')

Kadang lebih gampang nulis panjang lebar tanpa dia ngerespon biar dia lebih paham apa yang aku maksud, karena percaya apa enggak, dia adalah salahsatu dari segelintir orang yang keliatannya kalem, tapi when it comes to ngedebat Vicky, I bet he's gonna be Obamanya Amerika. Vicky jadi apa? Jadi pelayan McD di Amerika, jadi.. Pasti nurut sama presidennya.

Ada banyak things which I wanna share, especially how my love blooms and how it makes me feel the happiest. But, I'm too scared of myself.. Why? Adalah. Kepo.

Strong, right?

Kadang emang kita harus terlihat tegar untuk sesuatu yang kita yakini benar dan melepaskan adalah konsekuensi atas keyakinan itu.

Kadang tersenyum juga jalan paling dibenarkan ketika kita harus memperlihatkan bahwa kita baik baik saja di sekitar orang yang kita cinta.

Kadang pula, kita harus menangis di dalam kegelapan agar perih tidak lagi menjadi duri yang menyakiti diri dan orang-orang yang kita sayangi.


Tapi bagaimana jika asa sudah membara dan impian sudah di depan mata? Apakah tetap harus dilepas begitu saja?

I know it myself, I am strong. Too strong that I'm scared there is no place for me to lay down and love myself. I'm afraid that I will be too strong for my own.


Be stroooong! 😘

Blank

Anyway, it's been awhile since I posted something here. I feel like writing right now, when there is no way else I can let out the pain in my heart. Is it pain? Don't know. It just feels so wrong and hurts a lot. Can't think of anything. Just.. Blank.

I think I have found the half of me. Someone who loves me a lot. Too much that I can't handle the feels by myself. The one whom I think really fits with me so much, the one who understands me even I don't say a word at all, the one that makes me think that I'm a princess who worth a billion diamonds. I feel like, I have found 'the one'. I hope so.. Really.

You know, when people say something like, you needed to think twice and live your life like a teenager should be.. I didn't think I could do that at all. Because I wasn't in the first place. I'm a grown woman. I'm 20. And I want my self to be the real 20. But when I'm with him.. It's just.. I feel like.. I can't. I'm his princess, I should be proctected, I need to be loved. His life is.. Me. I'm spoiled. 

Actually, the thing that hurts my heart a lot that I think he's not that serious like he says he is. It's just that I'm the only one who tries here, and he is the one who fills 'the fuel'. What kinda fuel? Money? Expensive gifts? I don't know. Those are the way I feel. Come on, he wants me to meet his parents. He pushes me over and over to meet his parents when there is NOONE there who knows who the hell I am. So, what should I do?

Blank.. Can't think of anything. I need my mom really.

Hfffffttt I want to hide myself so no one could find me. So that I can live my life freely and happily. I just ruin myself with loving someone so hard and make a decision to be his so soon when I can't guarantee my self to not to be this hurt. I know he loves me so and I him. But.. I think of nothing. Blank. Zzzz