I am not someone who is good with words, nor sweet talks.
I am just me who speaks about what I want to, to anyone who I want to talk to.
You know grandpa, even I always looked like that I am careless to you, seemed too "high" to approach by everyone especially you and another people in our family, but I know and you knew too, I love my family. So much.
Maybe because of my lifestyle that is surrounded by people who come from the "city", it seemed that I cant't "mingle" well enough with the society in the place where I should be. The place where I was born. As your second grandchild from one of your daughter.
I knew, and always know that I can't show to you, how much I love and proud of you. But you should know, I love you. And mom. dad. My sisters. And our family so much.
You should know, these months, I've been asking mom, how could I send some gifts for you, grandma, and everyone there. And it was funny, to send them, I should send them via post. To our little beautiful village. To you.. I just want to show you, how grateful to be given such amazing people like you, grandma, and the others. I just want you to know, that I love you, all of you.
Grandpa, you know that I can't be there with you, right? And it was painful to face the fact that I was and am not with you. Not with our family whom you left, to comfort them. Even I can't comfort myself. I'm sorry. You can't be proud of me anymore. I'm sorry, I'm being such a coward person.
I can't stand being left by people around me, one by one. I can't face the deaths. I hate to accept this, I can't.
I dont' know whether I've grown enough to witness one by one people whom I love to leave me.
Grandpa, I am curious, and I, sometimes, asked people who left me before, I asked them, in my heart, how's their feel to be someone who left people whom they love so much? How could they see their beloved people cry because of them? How their feeling was? Was it hard?
Because it's hard here, being someone who is left by your beloved one. Forever.
Truthfully, I wanna be strong, really, grandpa. But just by hearing mom's pain voice when she called me to tell me about you... it was super hard, it still is. And hurt. A lot.
Grandpa, I'm sorry, again, I can't be there. I'm sorry I have to be here. I'm sorry that I can't just do anything I want. To see you for the last time.
I'm sorry when I had a chance to see you, I can't show my love for you. I'm sorry that I really need to be back here, as soon as I could. I'm sorry that I didn't have enough time to show you that "I've been the one" that worth to be proud of.
Grandpa, do you remember the time you spend with me when I was a little? Please remember them. Because... I don't. That's why I want to say another sorry.
But..
I remember this, do you remember when you accompanied me to the field once I was being scolded by mom when we were in the village? Do you? You were catching dragonflies for me. You know, that was my favorite animal, until now. People tend to love cats, dogs, but I like dragonflies. I like when they fly freely with those thin wings. It is easy to tear them. Those wings I mean.
Do you remember you got some leaves for me so I can play with them? I made them as the "plates" for my little restaurant. Silly I was. But I was happy, and I am now.
Thanks a lot grandpa, and I'm sorry. I love you.
Rest in peace, kung.
2014, April 18.
